when i'm alone

...dream if you will a picture...
i come home from work and make a fairly virtuous arugula omelette with half a tonne of slenderizing cheese and a glass of red wine. i then go upstairs and strip down to my underwear (kelly green with the word "prep" in all caps on my ass) and a tank top (blue) . i place teeth whitening strips on my teeth. i smooth some 'deep conditioning' goo on my hair. i look like Ralph Fiennes in Spider. i pick up my hand weights and do 1950's style calisthenics in front of my mirror. i stare in the mirror at my butt. and my little pot belly. and the cellulite that is partying on my ass like it's 1999. i feel, sad. disappointed that i have not made any headway with my kylie plan.

i do squats. i do more squats. i get down on all fours and do donkey kicks. i cheer, slightly.

i get on my body ball and do crunches. i lean way back on the ball to make the crunch harder, i come up and see myself in the mirror...hair slicked back, plastic baggies on my teeth, glasses on, little roll sticking out from under my tank top in my UNDERPANTS!! i laugh so hard that i roll off my ball and crack my head hard on the hearthstones of my defunct fireplace.

c-man is going to come home from work and find me here, unconscious, or dead from a cerebral haematoma. as the ceiling fades to black i wonder what would kylie do?

when i come to i put away the ball and get out my yoga mat and yoga blocks. safe, square, stable yoga blocks. they are the perfect height for supporting my head and neck when i'm watching TV on the floor. Relic Hunter is on.