my favourite jeans are on hiatus

you know when guys (some guys) wear really tight jeans and the jeans begin to form and fade around bits that stick out, you know the fabric gets all soft and linen-y and fades out in the same shape of the protrustion...like say a pack of cigarettes or a wallet in the back pocket, or um...say a scrotum.

anyhoodle...my favourite jeans (and by far the smallest size i own) have been moved to the back of my closet. why? because the front pockets show through the denim in the above mentioned fade pattern. how do the pockets show through? it would seem that the girth of my legs is pushing the poor pocket seams up against the denim with such great pressure that i am wearing the denim out from the inside out! i didn't even know it was possible. so there you go. i need to go buy some fat jeans.

speaking of funky denim...last night coming home on the subway i noticed a girl walking in front of me, petite figure, hideous jeans with weird appliques stuck to her ass and legs - but that is not what caught my attention. oh no. it was her weird walk. like she was trying to lift one leg higher than the other and swing it around. i thought, maybe she's just got a funky walk or a muscular disorder or something. but again no, i say, dear reader she had the back-camel-toe. her jeans were so tight and so far up her cracks (yes, that's cracks plural) that she was literally trying to heave her leg over the heavy denim seam that was cleaving her 'bean' in two. the back-camel-toe is rare and seldom seen.

and...another young woman of more robust proportions was wearing a pair of jeans that were so hideously tight that they pulled up so tight across her hips creating that unmistakeable 'v' (or the ancient symbol for the womb as dan brown would have it). But it gets better, the jeans are adorned with one of those built in wide waistbands that doubles as a snap belt. are you with me? so picture it, a wide waistband creating the horizontal line at the top, then starting at her crotch, two hard creases of denim running up on an angle to the waistband. she looked like she was wearing a denim cod piece. word up Cameo.