kylie has my ass

Let me say right off the bat, I don't know kylie minogue. I don't think she knows how I covet her ass, but I suspect she's probably received quite a lot of fan mail to that effect. I've never purchased a kylie product. I am aware she has had breast cancer, and is said to be in full remission. She has a very nice bum.

Prior to the new year, I made a resolution: get kylie minogue's ass. How would I do this? Exercise, eat vegetables, stop drinking coffee directly out of the coffee pot. I resolved that on January 1, 2006 I would reshape my ass in to the shape that god(s) intended; kylie. this would not only be a physical journey, but a spiritual journey. and an emotional one, mostly for C, the man I live with, as he will have to deal with me during the caffeine withdrawal. The goal, a newly shaped ass for July 1, 2006.

Week 1
I think about kylie's butt a lot. I look for pictures online. While getting ready for bed I catch some sort of kylie spotlight on muchmusic--I take it as a sign. I am on the right track. I plan in secret; downloading the "better butt diet" from health websites, and clipping "ass centric" workouts from various publications.

Week 2
I share my "get kylie's ass plan" with friends. everyone immediately assumes i'm developing an eating disorder. they don't get that kylie as a role model is asspirational (ba dum ching). I take my kylie-ass movement underground. I obsess quietly. I still drink quite a bit of coffee. I can't figure out how to tell the coffee we're breaking up. it's going to be hard for both of us.

Week 3
While waiting for the elevator with my ten pound latte in hand I ask myself, self "what would kylie do?". I turn and look at the stairs that go up the five floors to my office. And as the doors of the elevator close, and I push "5" I think "kylie would take the stairs".

Weeks 4 thru 6
I do nothing. I drink more coffee than ever in silent protest against this new regime. I sleep. I have occasional panic attacks when I think about giving up coffee. I rationalize, for my ego's sake, that the reason I haven't started my kylie program is because I just moved from a house to an apartment and there is no room. my ego says with a smaller apartment I should really get to work on my ass. I tell my ass and my ego that I've been very busy to be concerned with such superficial things.

I cajole C into taking pictures of my ass, possibly for posting, you know for a "before" and "after". But the undies are see-through and it's all a bit low-rent American Apparel porn. I will have to re-take in proper cotton panties. C says he feels dirty taking the pictures and gets a little turned on.

Week 7
Today my ipod froze. it continued to shuffle albums and songs but the song that was playing froze. it was kylie's "love at first sight"--just frozen on the screen. even while ian curtis belts out 'she's lost control' there is kylie's name, inert on the screen. it's another sign.

Okay, I said earlier I've never purchased a kylie product. but I have since purchased this particular song for when i walk to work. I thought I needed to have something, you know, to cheer me on.