what would kylie do?

Breaking the 140 barrier

2009-06-16T05:16:00.001-07:00

I am a tiny person. I'm short and I have tiny little bones. For several months I have weighed over 140 pounds--which is far too many pounds.

I am now officially under 140 for two weeks in a row. Is it the miracle of space food? Or the logic of spinning, Tracy Anderson and weaning from post-partum medication? Hard to say.

I am running out of space food and I have not reordered. I have several "burgers" and "chicken breasts" that arrived in the mail. I am reluctant to eat meat that can travel by mail and be stored indefinitely. Thinking about sending them out as postcards.

But I am also curious...

I bought shorts

2009-06-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

i'm not saying i 'should' wear them but i bought them and they don't suck. so...that's something.

Still Losing

2009-06-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

As much as it pains me to say it the space food is working. At least when i stick to it--it works. And after almost 3 weeks i'm kinda numb to the beef-a-roni taste of everything. and the sweats.

Space Food is Holding

2009-06-01T06:12:00.000-07:00

I pretty much bailed on space food this past week, with a few exceptions, but i kept my eye on my portions (except the alcohol) and I didn't gain this week. So that's impressive. Go space food!! ?

Alcohol Undoes Me

2009-05-31T17:26:00.001-07:00

I had a few drinks last night, and when I say "a few" I mean 4. Four! That's all--just 4. And now I want to die. And eat peanut butter.

Alcohol and space food don't mix. So now i'm giving up alcohol and food for a nice butt.

Kylieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

What Day Am I On?

2009-05-29T17:03:00.001-07:00

I have no idea. Today was a write off. I had the mallitol pastry for breakfast. And then i ate people food from earth for the rest of the day.

sabotage

2009-05-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

And ode to gelato

So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my God, it's a mirage
I'm tellin' y'all, it's a sabotage

Space Food yields early results

2009-05-25T03:51:00.000-07:00

down 2.1 lbs even with major transgressions involving full fat tzatiki and a LOT of delicious alcohol. hmmmmm...

Space Food - Installment IV

2009-05-24T04:08:00.000-07:00

The C man and I agree, I would make a terrible astronaut. For breakfast I had some space eggs with bits of hard eraser mixed in. The texture and flavour are appaulling. I dosed the space eggs in hot sauce and that helped; replacing the crap flavour with the pain of extreme heat was the perfect solution. C says the eggs taste just fine. Let's send him to space.

Space Food - Installment III

2009-05-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

Day 3 was a bit of a bust...i ate regular food for dinner. Chicken kabob and it was awesome. And I drank a bottle of wine--that was also very good.

Space Food - Installment Two, Addendum II

2009-05-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

9:13 PM on 2nd day of program. Mad diarrhea has set in. Pedialyte is not on the diet.

Installment Two - Space Food, addendum

2009-05-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

My lovely friend at the Faery's Tub told me that mallitol is indigestible, which makes total sense because of course you will lose weight, or at least not gain, if you can't actually consume the product.

I anticipate anal leakage.

Day 2 of Space Food

2009-05-22T17:54:00.001-07:00

Why does all the hot space food smell like Beef-a-roni?

It's weird. But i feel thinner. Seriously, I do. And I fart all the time. It's super sexy. What could be more alluring than sounding like you're hiding a duck in your pants.

Ha cha cha

Space Food - Installment One

2009-05-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

So, the other night I was watching Jillian's "30 Day Shred" fitness DVD and drinking a beer and feeling bad about my weight. I haven't lost the baby weight. In fact, my girl is one year old now and I've gained weight since having her. Well, i lost the weight (post partum), gained it back and then some (anti-depressants) and now i'm about to ween from my drugs and figure it is time to try and have a waist again.

Feeling desperate and a little bloat-y from my beer and DVD watching, i ordered some space food. You know what i mean, the stuff Tori Spelling ate after her first baby to trim down. So i made my 5 week ordered and a huge box of food arrived in the mail. At least I thought I ordered food, until...

Day One
I open the box. It's filled with tinier boxes and containers. I eat a pastry thing with sucralose, mallitol and some other things in it. It made my tongue burn. I'm going to eat lunch now.

there ain't no problem i breast can't solve

2008-07-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

i'm proposing a new initiative for world peace: breastfeeding. in my house, it fixes just about everything. i realize this isn't a long-term strategy but it works now. and in a world where the shots are being called by a 10 week old baby--now is all that matters.

run, don't walk

2008-07-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

all day today you can watch all three episodes of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog for free at www.drhorrible.com. If you love The Whedon...go see now...

signs things are changing

2008-04-16T05:01:00.001-07:00

last night and again this morning, at about 5:30am, I got up and started washing baby clothes in anticipation of the wee one's arrival. as i sat, folding insanely small clothes, I thought to myself, "self: what the fuck?"

is it cheating if she only has one leg?

2008-04-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's 4am and I've been kicked awake by my super awesome ninja baby, who, sadly, is insensitive to things like time. So i'm up. i've got a glass of milk and i'm pondering the profound questions posed to us in the latter half of Season 4: The Sopranos. For example. does Tony consider it cheating when he has sex with the one-legged occupational therapist known as Svitlana? And moreover, does Svitlana?

The C-man exclaims "poor Richard" (or whatever Svitlana's boyfriend's name is) and I say "no harm, no foul". It's not like he's ever going to know and Svitlana certainly isn't dumping boyfriend for Tony - she's way to smart for that nonsense. So there is no "poor Richard".

C-man says I had better adjust my definition of cheating to include all extra curricular sexual activities with other people, including one-legged persons. Apparently, Svitlana does not get a pass. So for all you one-legged hustlers out there looking to lead me away from my man, I'm sorry. We can never be together.

i'll just say it, I'm funny...not recently but...

2008-02-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

i'm funny. i was funny. i have proof. i read my old blog entries all of which start at the dawning of the kylie program. i had a message and the message was about my ass; the complete overhauling of my behind with Saint Kylie as project manager, oh the comedy. funny. funny.

now, i'm all over the place. travel. work. blah blah blah. so let's talk about my ass: it's spreading like cheese whiz on hot toast.

why? no exercise and i got a bun in the oven. i would post a photo but am afraid it would have a serious impact on Canada's already low birth rate. i got a big ass and a sway back. pretty.

26 weeks and 6 days

2008-02-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

today represents almost a full waking 12 hours of crying jags. why? because i'm pregnant and it would appear, at least for today, i've gone mad. completely bonkers and crying at everything. so there it is. this is my first day of pregnancy-induced mental infirmity.

my ass and its size, the reason for this blog dating back about two years now, is moving in the opposite direction of dear kylie's. what can i do?

Dear Reader: Sorry for my absence. Today I have some generalizations and observations on my trip to italy.

2007-09-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

I've been away both physically and mentally from my post here. I was all dried up like a rotten walnut. But today I have some thoughts to share...

Excuses from the author: below are rough notes...the spelling and syntax is chaotic.

Rome: Great. Beautiful. Wonderous City. Romans smoke like it is the cure for something. In between courses of their meals, while they are getting their hair done, and i assume, possibly during intercourse. The city is walkable and easy to get around. People are friendly and animated.

Roman men: Deeply, seriously gorgeous men. The long lashed blue-eyed girly ones and the rougher bigger square jawed, hard-nosed ones--all very, very handsome. It was, in fact shocking, at the magnitude of their varied and stunning good looks.

Roman women: More orange around the skin than their male counterparts and not as pretty. Great bodies though. Crazy good bodies, doesn't matter how old 18 or 45 - hot bods. But orange skin and rough around the face.

Food in Rome: Tonnerelli pasta in a cinnamon sauce with marscapone and chick pea puree...what can i say, it was truly divine. Da Francesco's, a small and hopping local eatery also made kick ass pesto...totally fresh.

Punchbuggy nun & Punchbuggy priest: Now you may think this game too easy in the city that is the seat of the Holy Roman Empire...and yet, it never got old. We marked a two block radius around the Vatican in which we did not play the game because it was simply too easy. But, once away from the Vatican the game was on. We saw nuns and priests of every stripe; Loretto's (Mother Theresa's order), Franciscans, Cappucines, blue nuns, grey nuns and so on. This proved to be a deeply satisifying and entertaining game, gaining extra points for claiming sisters and brothers in the more unusual and rare orders.

Florence: TOO MANY PEOPLE! Too many. Too too many. Oi. Yes Art. Oh Art with a capital A...and yet, I'm all renaissanced-out.

Fiesole (in the mountains above Florence): Beautiful, peaceful, quiet. Heaven.

Venice: Ummmm, possibly the coolest city ever. I feel sorry for the Venetians having their streets, canals and everything else clogged up with the touristas. But then that is what happens when you live in a totally unique place. And they get their even...We went to some fancy restaurants which were not that great. Food on the whole was twice as expensive as Rome and not as good.

Venice - Home to the Biennalle: The perfect antidote to Renaissance Italy...contemporary art from around the world. The British and French pavillions were particularily engaging. There was much wonderful art, days and days of viewing and i know i only saw a fraction of it. This is reason enough to return again and again to Venice.

gentlemen...a word?

2007-06-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

i know it's hot out. i do. i'm pale and freckly. not as pale as two friends with the initials T and E (moonbeams practically) but pale none the less and the heat really bothers me. it's sticky and miserable.

however, i must insist that while you are out in public that scratching, rearranging, and pulling your balls away from your hot thighs is not acceptable. ever.

i feel your pain, i do, sometimes, like right after i get my hair cut, the hair fluff gets down my shirt and in my bra and you really just want to stuff your hands in your shirt and give the girls a good scratch. i want to. but i don't. cuz scratching yourself in public is gross.

activists schmactivists

2007-05-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

some people want to kill a tiny little sweety pooky polar bear named Knut. they want to kill him because he is an unnatural beast being all born in captivity.

poo on them i say, poo.

betrayed by girl guides

2007-05-23T16:35:00.001-07:00

walking down my street after work i pass a small herd of girls pulling along a huge grocery cart filled with girl guide cookies. these little whips were not wearing their uniforms, but the equivalent of hot pants. no bother. they are seven-ish so it's no big deal. i'm pretty sure I wore an aqua terry cloth one piece shorts/tube top jumper thingy at that age.

anyhoo...I passed them, just a block and a half north of my house, working their way door to door selling their wares. I get home, I go upstairs and wait. And wait and watch out my window wondering "when will the girl guides come?" I send Cman downstairs and out on to the street to check to see how far away they are. It's been over an hour. My street is small.

"no girl guides or cookies on the street" announces Cman.

Those bitch girl guides skipped my block.

when acting like a ninny in public

2007-05-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was walking home from the street car stop and there was a little pigeon toddling along beside me on the sidewalk. fine. i said "hi bird". fine fine. but then he flapped his wings and shot up into the air coming dangerously close to my head where I screamed, yes screamed and waved my arms around and kind of hopped sideways into the road.

today, walking to work, a bird pooped on my head.

same bird?

an ode to a roast chicken

2007-04-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

my friend tessa roasted a chicken
it was so good, way beyond finger lickin'
the skin was a salty and savoury dark
crispy, mahogany deliciousness bark
her time in the kitchen was well spent
sending her three friends on pleasure bent

a 'how to' guide for self esteem

2007-04-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

order thai food, eat the entire order of spicy thai nooodles with beef, follow with carbonated beverage and then try on a swim suit. seriously, it's awesome.

lame blogging: it happens

2007-04-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

and there is no writing viagra to help get it up.

my hard drive went to the doctor. the hard drive had amnesia. turns out, it's not just amnesia but brain damage. so i will get some files back, but not all and some of them are going to be gibberish and they won't even remember who they are or who I am or that we used to know each other. the whole things makes me very sad. soon, i will be pushing my old hard drive around in a wheel chair while it mumbles rude things at children, tries to beg for change out side of shopper's drug mart and starts wearing it's underwear backwards - it at all.

getting old sucks hard. like a dyson. yes, a dyson. a very powerful cyclonic vacuum cleaner.

Do NOT watch the The Excorcist alone

2007-04-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

A tip from me to you scooby doo--

a more positive and happy casper

2007-04-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

i've decided that it is time to lead a more positive-focused life and stop dwelling on all the baddies (weight, weight and more weight, the fact that i am never going to grow any taller, and so on).

day one of the "happy happy program" for casper is starting slowly. i had eggs (happy). I had coffee (v. happy). i had impromptu afternoon tea with a two-year old (silly happy). and then there were some worries but i've found ginger snaps chase them right away.

i am very excited about the new happiness of the new work and all the good that is to come. insert triumphant 'ride of the valkryies' type music here, except no scary world domination overtones.

$2000 is a small price to pay

2007-03-27T07:07:00.000-07:00

data recovery is a lucrative business. 2k to recover pretty much every word i've written for the last several years. i will pay it because i must have- and i want my information back.

ummm

2007-03-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

you know when you plop down in a beanbag chair and you can feel the beany bits tucking up behind you and around you, filling in all the gaps and space and you can just lean into it and it supports you?

yeah, well that's my ass right now. there is a fleshy bean bag chair attached to my ass.

oh and to really sex it up, i've got braces. i've catapulted back in time, and in to someone else's body to be the girl with both a big bum and braces. i've always had the bum. and glasses, yup, got glasses too. i am sitting on my couch, on my bean bag butt with glasses and braces. I wonder if C-man wants to have sex now?

hard drive hits hard times

2007-02-23T13:28:00.000-08:00

and takes all of my writing files with it. barf.

a return to kylie roots

2007-02-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

my butt is wibbly wobbly. my time is up. my almost year hiatus from thoughts of my ass, which first started this blog, have returned. it must be february. kylie is out of hospital and looking sweet and pert...i must follow suite and get my ass in gear.

it's called weeping tile because it makes me cry

2007-02-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

in the basement of the money pit there is water...lots of water running down the walls. is that bad?

and on the 120th day of our renovation it rained inside

2007-02-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

when we last left the hapless duo with their home, that seemed like such a good idea: get a bigger house than we can afford, rent out the second unit, subsidize the mortgage with the tenants - slap up some paint, do a little work in the basement and presto change-o, it's freedom 55.

and then fate and a good ole belly chuckle...ha ha ha...and pissed all over us.

which brings me to the rain.

the valves are very old and crapping out - crapped out - and so when i turned on the bathtub faucet what should happen but a funny hissing sound and water shooting out of the wall on the other side of the bathroom. it was awesome. like a busby berkeley film but without the choreography, crane shots and happiness. i donned my bathing cap and cried.

i dropped my couch

2007-02-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

yup, dropped it on the road. not good. and my back hurts.

new, pretty, shiny appliances arrived today but didn't fit in the front door. silly fat fridge. now we have to find some lifty thing to get them on to the back deck. as the pressure mounts and things continue to go pear-shaped at what i can only describe as ridiculous proportion i think about calling it quits. just pay for heat and hydro and a urine stained mattress from the Good Will to furnish my home. i guess that is still more than many.

when the going gets tough, i like to take a nap

2007-02-06T08:02:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine introduced me to a product called Natural Calm. It's effervescent magnesium that you drink like a tea before bed and it helps your muscles relax. It works. C man calls it Dead Calm, because it makes me so very sleepy.

a shout out

2007-02-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

a big thanks to the small army of helpers that have showed up over the last several days to help C man and I out. We are very touched by your sweetness. And delighted and surprised by your arrivals and contribution. this all sounds very formal but what i am trying to say without getting to mushy, is that we are moved. and thankful.

and Amy and Lisa, if you think i'm going to forget about your sunday offers of painting, you are sadly mistaken:)

thank you

stress...nature's way of saying fuck you

2007-02-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

am i allowed to swear on my blog? am i going to get an email or get booted out of blog-land? i'm sure i will find out soon enough.

so...the floor is coming tomorrow and i hope it goes well. i really, really hope it goes well.

i've taken my migraine medication because, well, i have a migraine. i think the stress is getting to me and my little pill, fiorinal, to be exact, is going to chill me out. first it speeds me up, this is the time where i lug the boxes from upstairs to downstairs, do the garbage, recycling, compost, get the laundry out of the basement, change the sheets onthe bed, feed the cat, and make a cup of tea. and then the slow stupid part sets in where everything is a little wibbly like being under water and i can feel my jaw unclench, and the light from my computer screen is freakishly bright, like staring into a laser...which is now.

Soon, i will put on pj's and stare at my cat. she will yawn and i will try and grab her tongue. she'll turn her back on me for grabbing her tongue but not leave. when i get really drowsy she licks my eyebrows until they stand straight up and C will come home and find a very surprised looking, but asleep me.

what went wrong today?

2007-01-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

Ummm a third of the new hardwood floor went down this morning when the installer realized none of the wood matched...some of it was shine-y, some of it was matte, some of it was satin finish--and some of it was a totally different colour. it all came out. we try again on friday. sigh.

Curious, non?

2007-01-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

Today i saw a sign that said "goals are dreams with deadlines" - this sign was posted in a graveyard.

Kitty Tut

2007-01-30T05:11:00.000-08:00

Found a mummified or should i say dessicated cat in the floor and vent of the new house. very disturbing, and yet more evidence suggesting the new place is cursed---i just never anticipated the curse being egyptian in nature.

a well oiled machine

2007-01-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

Friday: Plumbers, foundation dude, and duct man finish up--i think. i hope.
Saturday: Electricians finish up. put up dry wall, screw down sub floor for new
hardwood
Sunday: Continue with floor and painting. thrown in cleaning for good measure.
Monday: As previous + packing and cleaning of old place. maybe new floor gets
installed by professionals so we dont' have to use one of those nail guns
you
trigger with a hammer. i'm so sure one of us would end up stuck to the
floor.
Tuesday: Begin taking over small boxes and packages that can't be sealed like art and
stuff
Wednesday: The big truck moving day. Drink beer. Eat pizza. Sleep.

Sometime later, install kitchen.

there is a turkey in my throat

2007-01-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

there is a hard bump in my throat the size of a bird. it hurts to swallow. i want my mommy.

a-ha!

2007-01-20T17:58:00.000-08:00

ha ha ha

okay, so i finally switched to firefox so i can get my blogger tools all funky...like bold and italic and if i had a photo on hand, i would insert it. oh yea...

2007-01-20T17:47:00.000-08:00

ummm...trying to marry the blogger technology with the mac stuff and this is what i got...or the thing below.

blanky stealer

2007-01-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

how do you tell a 2-year old you want your blanky back? please post tips, suggestions and negotiating tactics.

what else did we do? paris

2007-01-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

oh yes, paris. shine-y, sparkly land of the "formal shorts" paris.

eiffel tower - totally worth the absurdly long line to get to the elevators, and the even longer lines to go from level to level. i think we stood in line for at least two hours to get our tickets to go up the first elevator, but the line was friendly and chatty and there was a very tall lady wearing a dark brown fur leather bomber jacket with the word 'versace' bleached into the fur running up each arm - tres classy. there were two little boys in front of me debating whether the tower was as tall as whistler mountain (that's where they went last christmas holiday). there were a number of couples huddled up in line together - including us.

C and i had an ongoing Award system worked out in order to properly celebrate people, who in our minds, were the most French. For example, there was a man who walked by all of us in the line up, his dark french eyes filled with scorn, his eyebrows appropriately bushy, presumably made bushy by the scron emanating from the face. he sucked on his cigarette as he peered at me through his thick black-framed glasses (totally biting Sarte's style), his heavy dark hair, shine-y, and standing up in the wind. his deep grey belted trench nipping at his waist. he pulled his woman (with matching eyebrows) closer and snorted at the crowd. we thought he was very french. Please keep in mind that our ideas of 'most french' come from movies and literature and philosophy and all the stereotypes therein. Ohhhh another recipient of the most French award was the 'lady in grey'. A perfectly coiffed older woman with white-grey hair. Her make up minimal and flattering, except for the striking red lips. She wore a deep grey skirt below the knee, flat black boots and some sort of cape, scarf contraption draped across her shoulders and chest.

eiffel tower - the view of the city is stunning as it forms a circle around the great tower. i did have a wee freakout when the wind started hitting the enclosure up at the very top and rattling the windows. the display that runs the circumference of the top level interior are city names from around the world and their distance, in kilometeres, from the tower. most people look for their hometown.

louvre - holy christmas more lines but worth it. i suspect you could spend weeks, months and perhaps years to truly take this place in. it is intense and interesting and overwhelming. you must pace yourself. C and i, not knowing better, dove in whole hog and by the end of the day found ourselves deep into the renaissance making up our our titles for paintings like "ouch, christ that hurts". yes, after several hours things got very low-brow. but it was fun!

champs elysees - pretty and wide and too many people and the closer you get to the Arc de Triomphe the more insane the crowds become and the tacky yonge street lights. i'm sorry, but i am not a 'let's gather in mass quantities' kind of person. and the walk starts out very well (at the obelisk) and gets more and more mental as you progress towards the Arc. coo coo. lots of shops. the lights in the trees are very pretty. the lights from the shops are less so.

centre georges pompidou - so cool and the best street crepe man in all of paris is tucked up around the corner (not the mad little square directly opposite the pompidou, but head out to the quiet street - towards hotel de ville - in an alley. why were his crepes the best? because he would gently pat the little crepe with butter then sprinkle on the sugar and then squeeze an actual lemon on top (not the crappy 'real remon' from a bottle) the real deal. so he rules. i digress, the pompidou is a beautiful space and houses the room of rothko - a series of paintings m.r. did on commission for some nyc restaurant but upon completion thought better of it and donated the paintings on the condition that they would be displayed properly. they also have a media hall (more than a hall) of pieces done with colour, light, video, film etc.

also, there was a big pink room with gentle lighting AND a giant red patent-leather peep-toe heel. i mean giant, i could curl up in it comfortably and go to sleep in the toe while C stretched out in the heel area.

okay, more later...

london blogging - i stole that title from TB

2007-01-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

What else did we do in london. we walked. we walked for days and miles to see the city. it's beautiful and grand and really frikkin' old. we walked so much that i still have blood blisters on the bottoms of my toes.

Things to know - the Thames is dirty. There is a floating monster in the Thames which has a sign that reads: I eat garbage. It's rigged with nets and sifts the garbage out of the water. And yet she is a grand and pretty twisty thing that moves through the city with a great deal of grace.

The Tower of London tour is totally worth every pound. The guides are hilarious, their knowledge of GBR's history is extensive and the tour around the palace, yes the Tower is an official castle/palace/royal residence--in addition to being the place where many a fine soul lost their head or just flat out disappeared. The ravens are fascinating and ungodly huge. There has to be, i think, 6 ravens in residence at the Tower at all times because there is an old prophecy that says when the ravens leave the Tower the royals will no longer rule Britain. Or something like that. The ravens are cared for, fed great chunks of meat and keep all the smaller birds away:)

The Big Bus Tour (the double decker red bus) is helpful, if you can pay attention to all the twists and turns. The ticket is good for 48 hours, and you can hop on and off and many stops all over the city. It also includes walking tours and free boat ride on the Thames. It's pretty cool and the bus dudes are chock full of information. I saw the Bank of England which is Gringott's bank in Harry Potter. That pleased me a great deal. Lame, i know, but there it is.

Things I might not do again
Piccadilly Circus is a special kind of hell--but iconic. As was Oxford Circus, but i think that was induced by the holiday shopping frenzy. Oxford was decked out in Christmas lights and it was a sea of humanity shopping for gifts and then shopping the boxind day sales. Pretty but koo koo.

Other good things
Leicester Square - great for theatre tickets and tonnes of book shops which i did not get enough time to root through. Also mental and bit like Yonge Street circa 1983 but the discount theatre tickets and the books are enough to bring me back.

With regret we did not go the British Museum (rosetta stone) or the Natural History Museum (dinosaurs) mostly because they were closed for many of the days of our trip. But these places are free (like most museums and galleries in London). But the Natural History was just down the street from our hotel and they had a big skating rink and christmas market out front - quite cute.

Blackfriars Pub - on the city side of the Blackfriars Bridge - YUM! Our first introduction to jacket potatoes. Basically a baked potato dressed in yummy things like baked beans and cheese served with a lovely salad. Much to our delight Blackfriars was a smoke-free pub. Which is a huge blessing if you don't smoke and if you are from a country where smoking in a bar is no longer permitted. The one thing that chased us out of more pubs and restaurants was smoking. It is so disgusting, perhaps more so when you are not used to it at all.

Waitrose - a grocery store chain - I could have moved in. The selection of cheese and meats and crunchy things blew my mind. Someone dropped a bottle of scotch on the floor while we were there so it also smelled pretty good.

High Tea at Fortnum & Mason is perhaps worth the very steep price tag just dine off their robin egg-shell blue china and to sit in the very comfy 4th floor tea room, complete with piano player. Tasty.

Both F&M and Harrods were mad full of people both before Christmas and after. The Christmas windows at Harrods featured James Bond and were kind of lame. I think F&M had an Alice in Wonderland theme which was very beautiful.

Something that disappointed me was the lack of obvious unique shopping. I mean, if you have loads of cash you can shop anywhere and go to all the really posh places - but that is not us. But even places like South Kensington, Sloane Square, Covent Garden, Carnaby Street etc were mostly filled with chain stores like H&M, Zara, Mango, Monsoon, Hobbs etc. As C reminded me, we weren't there to shop but i was a little crushed i didn't return with something uniquely london. Maybe next time.

I did buy a pair of fantastically ugly shoes that i love. i can't wait to wear them. they are all black spectators with a heel. if i knew how to post a photo, i would.

Question - on my mac my blogger doesn't let me add colour, links, photos etc like it does when i blog from my work PC. What's that about?

two tickets to paradise

2007-01-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

C man and i went to London and Paris for a honeymoon type experience. Today I want to share with you some of the highlights from our trip - none of the dirty stuff, C would never approve.

London
okay, the underground is genius and easy to navigate and thanks to my friend E we knew enough to use osyter cards to pay for our transit. genius. the ride from the airport to gloucester road (location of hotel) was quick and easy. The first hotel was really an apartment hotel called Fraser Place Queens Gate Gardens. We had a huge room, bigger than many apartments, and it was clean and lovely.

Old Vic Theatre was host to the final days of Kevin Spacey's tour as artistic director and his production of "Moon for the Misbegotten". This is a hard play. Despite the excellent performance of Eve Best and Colm Meany--it is just a hard play. My thought was that the moral crisis of Spacey's character just doesn't translate today. What do i know.

Food near the Old Vic - there are many places to eat around the theatre but the tastiest and cheapest italian i've ever laid eyes on was at a place called Ray's. The staff don't speak much english but the pick and point menu is very helpful. Dinner for two, with wine and dessert and cappuccino cost a total of 20 pound. I can't find the "pound" symbol on my keyboard.

Spamalot is on at the Palace Theatre in London with Tim Curry (Arthur) and Christopher Seiber (Galahad) and Hannah Waddingham (Lady of the Lake) was fall out of your seat funny. Seriously, we got these super cheap tickets at Leicester Square which where row H seats 8 & 9 - a total score!!

Frost/Nixon was newly opened at the Gielgud Theatre (written by the same man who wrote The Queen, The Other Boleyn Girl). Anyhoodle...fucking brilliant and excellent. Frank Langella plays Nixon and Michael Sheen plays Frost. I believe this will be on Broadway soon - if you are going to be in NYC - go see this play! It's tight. It's funny. It's dramatic, well written and intense.

At each play i thought of my friend TB and wondered what she would think.

the Tate Modern...we went twice...it bears repeating. Okay, so art and that is cool, hurray for art and Cameron and I will travel just about anywhere to visit Jackson Pollock. The collection is fantastic. Now, Cameron hates installation art, mostly, and i love it mostly - well specifically I like sound installations BUT the coolest installation ever is Carston Holler's Unilever series at the Tate Modern. A series of giant slides that run from each of the floors down to the bottom floor. If you've ever seen the Tate Modern it is a converted power plant of some sort--it's huge! The slide from the top floor was like riding a rocket. So fun!! As a sidebar...i begin to love the Marcel Duchamp. Also, the Tate cafeteria...super yummy.

The Globe theatre - well, so it's not the original site of the Globe, which is too bad. And they actually have the entire Rose theatre unearthed but opted to build the Globe instead. Oh well. The history lecture was very cool. The thatched roof is very cool. The cafeteria where they serve a yorkshire pudding the size of a hat filled with mashed potatoes, cumberland sausages and gravy rocked my world. If there was a church of sausage, I would go.

London churches - Westminister Abbey was, well, underwhelming. I don't know why but i didn't feel that crazy sense of awe that often scares me into thinking i should give up my pagan ways and pick a god. What can you do? St. Paul's, however, scared the bejesus into me. It's grand. It's beautiful. The Temple Church, very small compared to these others, but spectacularly beautiful--the windows are amazing. And the organist, perhaps annoyed by tourists, was rocking out on the organ when we were there--i think it was Iron Maiden.

Oh - and the Salsbury Cathedral also pretty swany. And the Abbey at Bath which was amazing from the outside but was locked up tight at 4:30 in the afternoon so i didn't get to go inside. Perhaps i tarried to long in the Baths.

The Roman Baths - very interesting. Bath itself, beautiful. i mean really beautiful. wow.

Okay, i have to get back to work but will post more soon. and will include Paris too.

if you are happy and you know it

2006-12-15T17:33:00.000-08:00

if you are happy and you know it; clap your hands. or so the song goes. if you are not happy and you know it--say something. be constructive, proactive, helpful, friendship building...get it off your chest and get on with it. if you are unhappy and don't know it - well that's worse. it requires therapy and really good friend to say "dude, you need help". i hate being the person that says "dude, you need help"--though, to be fair, i think i've heard it from a friend or two myself.

how do you help someone who needs help but doesn't want it? i guess i don't...yet.

when in doubt, say YES to all the drugs

2006-12-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

on thursday i trundled down to my local neighbourhood hospital to have a very tiny camera shoved down my throat to look at my tummy. sounds almost okay except the the wee tiny dinky little camera is so fancy that they don't just stick it down your throat...oh no...the take a garden hose and shove that down your throat, and then they slide the camera down the hose--you know to protect it. poor little camera. urgh.

anyhoodle...last time i went, 2 years ago, it all went very poorly. sure i was sedated but it didn't stop me from taking a swing at the doctor, the nurse and the attending. so they double dosed me and still i fought. THIS TIME the doctor remembered me from last time and said i could have ALL the drugs. i believe he said i could have "all the junk". It was great. I barely remember it. My throat is sore and my tummy is pissed off but i don't really remember the whole hose/camera ramming down the throat biz. so that's good.

drugs are good. all floaty and relax-y.

a break in the weather - sort of

2006-12-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

the money pit does not have termites. lo and behold, it must be the season of miracles...whatever is making my house all sad and slopey is not termites (insert choir of angels here). on the downside...i sound like kathleen turner on steroids (yes! i know she is really on steroids for her arthritis) and i am full of snot (right about here is where the choir of angels breaks for coffee).

il divo? seriously?

2006-12-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

ummm that's a whole lot of eyebrow activity for some singing. who, who, who let these boys out? okay, maybe they are not out but they are here and they are frightening.

have you seen this film: pacific heights meets the money pit

2006-12-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

yeah, that's right a psychotic tenant living in our new home which is falling down around our ears--without the hilarity and hijinks and affair with a euro-conductor/composer, and so far no incident of death by nail gun. but it's coming...sweet jesus it's coming.

tear down

2006-12-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking about closing up shop here...

this started out as the search for the holy grail of behinds: kylie minogue. not the music of minoque but the ass of minogue. and while the behind had morphed, improved, de-dimpled and what not a year long focus on the shape of my ass gave way to a fairly bent obsession with body image in general. you are what you focus on. you are what you protect. and i am turning into an ass.

so...either this comes down and i will re-emerge with a new focus or will transform inside kylie. don't really know. just wanted to give my 5 readers a heads up.

later skaters
casper

one of a kind gift emporium

2006-11-26T10:06:00.000-08:00

waiting in the underground street car stop at union station...waiting for the 509 to pick up this crowd and take us to the ex but all that arrives is the 510 Spadina car. with every rush of air and squeal of metal wheel on metal track hope is renewed and we surge a bit forward...but again 510 Spadina. a cold rush of air pushes on us, some of the air rushes through the roundabout, some of it back over the crowd and up the tunnel, the heavy rushing sound of the street car approaching has me shift my weight from one foot to another and other woman hike up their purses higher on their shoulders, gentlemen prepare their transfers and bus passes. 509 Exhibition arrives. Glory be.

One of Kind is packed full of shoppers milling by artisans and manufacturers of crap. I suppose differentiating between the two is a matter of tase, or lack of. i bought shortbread and curries. and then i left. unable to withstand the milling and the "oohs and ahhs" over giant pieces of what i can only describe as kitchen art, ugly knits, uninspired leather, and assorted and random items of the "what do you do with it?" variety.

returning on streetcar we dive underground just east of queens quay and this time we push the air down the tunnel. the screech of the wheels on the last corner reveals a crowd five times larger than the one i departed with.

the ass

2006-11-26T10:03:00.000-08:00

so i caught a peek of my behind post-shower the other day...and while it still resembles an upholstered couch with buttons that cause small puckerings of the fabric...it looks pretty good. better than it has in some time, i think. i thank sarah the trainer. i even had some wiggle room in my (gulp) wedding dress.

oh yeah, so that's new. i'm married, legally and everything. C-man is stuck with me now.

the saddest addiction

2006-11-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

i am addicted to checking my wedding registry and veronica mars. these addictions are not related in any way...but both are a lot like caffeine, fancy underpants, or say shoes...i've heard of that, shoe addiction. seriously, i'm going to have to block the url from my own computer because in between every email i'm checking to see if someone, some delightful poor soul who doesn't even know i'm cyber stalking myself, has bought me the lovely sea foam green towels. when did this happen to me?

where are the days where my preoccupations ran to the shape of my ass, a love of cheese (yes, i know, the ass and the cheese in diametric opposition to one another), and wondering when i'm going to win the lottery. and now my earlier, happy vapid thoughts are being replaced with material greed and more vapid but seriously distracting thoughts. but i want the damn towels.

does this mean more REHAB?!? For my soul?!

ooohhh the dad from "The Nanny", Mr. Sheffield, is on Veronica Mars. Sweeeeet.

good grief

WAIT - just to be clear I am grateful for all the lovely gifts we have received. Grateful and honoured. and wow!

the big day

2006-11-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

tomorrow, Cman loses his virginity. Yup, gonna be a big day. I'm getting my hair done.

i've been blonde-ed

2006-11-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

i went to get my hair done today...a little oomphing of red - very subtle, very cheerful. well my regular colorist is on maternity leave. dude who did my hair has made me a blonde. me not want blonde. going back tomorrow to be re-red-ified. will likely leave looking like lucille ball. not v.g.

hissssssssss

the worst has happened

2006-11-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

okay, not the worst, but seriously disruptive: i am not allowed to drink anymore coffee until my sad little ulcer(s) stop bleeding. and no chocolate. and god knows what else i am NOT ALLOWED to eat. fuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!

enough whining. going to eat cheese, which i'm sure is not on the list but it is making me happy.

coffee again

2006-11-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

so i made coffee at 9am and then i went and did stuff and poured myself a cup of coffee now at 2pm (yes, the same pot. don't judge) and you know what? it's still hot. and i love it. and it loves me. why's it still hot. because it was in my thermal caraffe fancy pants coffee maker.

coffee is my friend

2006-11-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

i don't need anyone else. just coffee. it loves me. and i love it. if anyone is having an affair with coffee--back off! seriously, i will hunt you down. i don't mean that as a threat...or if i do i mean it in the nicest 'don't sue me" kind of way.

the march of the cheddar bunnies

2006-10-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

do you know the happy annie's cheddar bunnies? happy little cheese flavoured crackers that gaily swim in your soup imparting a light cheddar-y crunch to every bite--well, only if you put the recommended serving of 50 bunnies in the soup. my friend dylan, he's 2, totally turned me on to the cheddar bunnies. and they are organic and have no crazy chems in them; no -phates, or -syths or any other scar suffixes.

sometimes, when i'm crazed for the cheddar bunnies i put them in the soup while i'm pouring from the pot which inevitably leads to flaming cheddar bunnies. after the element cools down i have to fish out the charred carcasses or risk the rath of the Cman.

alton's

2006-10-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

the name of the fabulous local restaurant for breakfast was Alton's. Super yummy. Very nice service. ta da!

the return of kylie

2006-10-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

while the weekend marked a return to all treats salty and sweet today marked the return of kylie. i was getting dressed this morning, in a hurry as i was late for a meeting, and i saw myself in the mirror. nothing horrid. nothing to cause a flood of tears, but i hear her, my australian ass idol, for the first time in months.

kylie said "why, casper, why, have you and your sweet dimpled bottom forsaken me?"

Now, i have to answer.

bacon: the king of meat

2006-10-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

i had a weekend road trip with the girls to Buffalo NY, well, technically just outside of Buffalo--a lovely plot of land filled with hydro fields and happily, discount shopping, and the great American magic sausage king--Bob Evans. Here is the tale of our journey or more accurately what i ate:

Dinner #1 - The Olive Garden - surprisingly tasty martinis, salad and pasta (whole wheat linguini with gorgonzola and mini steaks, yes steaks plural). This meal was made all the more pleasant by our waiter Rob, who claimed, that for his film class they watched Six Degrees of Separation. Not a bad movie but on a school curriculum for film?

Breakfast #1 - Bob Evans, King of the Magic Sausage and a bowl of his magic sausage sauce with eggs and crepes and biscuits and i think also hash browns. and definitely bacon. oh yes bacon.

Dinner #2 - Jack Astor's - hmm, not so much with the good. maybe bad meat in my noodles, hard to say. service was terrible but enthusiastic, sorta.

Breakfast #2 - Not to be fickle, Breakfast #1 was overshadowed by Breakfast #2 which was a locally owned and operated place called...shit, i forget. Ladies? Anyone remember? It was yummy. and the waitress was awesome. i had 2 eggs over easy with thick cut bacon and french toast.

Snack - Annie's pretzels in cinnamon and sugar.

Linner #2 - Denny's: The Super Bird with onion rings. And bacon. Tasty as hell.

Now i must go to bed and rest for tomorrow's sumo match.

ha cha cha

the return of jack bauer

2006-10-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

so season 5 of 24 is running on A&E. pretty much everyone dies in the first episode which is really effed up. and despite it all i love jack bauer. his vulnerable "i can't believe i'm going to see audrey" to being a steady killing-of-the-bad-guys--sheesh. what's not to love.

thougths on food...today i puffed up some egg whites in the microwave and poured on so much hot sauce that i burnt my mouth. i mean, my tongue is actually hot--my tongue is a heat source. i licked C-man and even he agrees that my tongue is freakishly hot.

does martha stewart have street cred?

2006-10-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

flipping through the channels in my pajamas this morning to catch jeffrey tambor carving pumpkins with martha stewart. would someone as wickedly funny as jeffrey tambor carve pumpkins with MS if he didn't think she was cool? would he have appearred on her show before her incarceration? i don't think so. martha stewart is rocking the 'hood. okay...before anyone says anything i get that jeffrey tambor is not street-cred 'hood hot BUT he is way cooler than the average guest, is he not? this little dispatch would make more sense if say mr. 50 cent was carving pumpkins with MS or say one of those crazy kids from one of those faux-punk bands the kids are so crazy about...but what i'm saying is that day is coming. soon, naked men with socks on their penis' will be on MS teaching others how to make penis sock puppets.

a note to love - thanks for the very good email. love you and your wise words.

a note to texas (lover of love) - dude, i shot a bb gun this weekend. i've never held a gun, ever, and this weekend i shot the coke can off the fence post more times than i missed. there will be no shooting of anything other than coke cans (and perhaps, if tempted, an errant brother-in-law:)

also...for those of you looking for unique giftees for the holiday season...there are these rockin' chicks who do word working and you can see their wares at: http://www.outofthewood.biz AND fairy's tub web site should be up and running soon too. i will keep you posted.

later

hello from away

2006-10-06T07:38:00.000-07:00

i have not written in ages...why? because i'm not writing. i seem to have some sort of grapho-constipation. i am blocked in every respect. and there is SO much going on.

for example, i go to the gym 3 times a week--that's new. i haven't gone 3 times this week but there are 'circumstances'. that being said...i feel good.

when i'm interesting again, i will write.

those little hairs

2006-09-18T15:56:00.001-07:00

ladies...all ladies...i beg of you, young and old, when you have a hairy chin or cheek or whatever twirling the hair around around your finger in public is unacceptable. no scratching it, pulling or tugging on it either. rip the little fucker out, go for electrolysis, or if you're really happy about the hairs on your chiny chin chin-stick a bow on the damn thing but please, i beg of you my sisters, please don't play with it -- in the food court.

peace out
casper

spinning: the day after

2006-09-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

if i was not a woman in her 30's living in a home with man whom i've lived with, more or less, for 10 years and i would have thought i was a drunken 18 year old floozy engaging in random sex with strangers because that is how much all of my "underpinnings" hurt after the first spinning class.

luckily for me, i was just saddle sore. literally saddle sore.

so there it is...kylie 2: electric boogaloo is in effect. though this time i'm focussing on output...spinning class, running and lifting weights, rather than on input (food). sounds wise, non? i will keep you posted on my buffitude.

kazoo solo

2006-09-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

if bjork and cher had babies together they would produce the two singers from nouvelle vague. nouvelle vague played at the mod club last night and i watched the whole sexy show from a comfy seat in the balcony ( i like to be up high because i'm short and i can't see over people on the floor and i'm old and i don't like standing for two hours).

one of the songs, i don't remember which, ended in a kazoo solo and it was awesome. awesome because she was playing the hell out of that kazoo and awesome because it was a kazoo. when i was in highschool i had a kazoo which i liked to play a lot. this annoyed friend meredith a lot. one day i threatened to swallow the little peas in the kazoo so i would always make the kazoo sound when i spoke. she smashed my little orange kazoo to bits. i like kazoo.

the show was sexy and dramatic and the band was hot in every respect...you play an accordian in 4 inch heels and a tight dress!

anyway, it was cool. also, i think my computer is making my bananas ripen too fast. is that possible?

welcome to costco, i love you

2006-09-06T04:29:00.000-07:00

so the lovely JW over at freakgirlspew left a comment suggesting i obsess less and write more - how pithy! not bad advice just annoying because she's right.

so here is the hamster wheel of my brain
1. go see Idiocracy, a film by Mike Judge starring Luke Wilson...500 years in the future where America is the dumbest nation on earth and everyone and everything is branded...and the greeters at costco say "i love you" - HILARIOUS! I would put in a link but that functionality seems to be missing from the menu above--why? anyone know why? i've got spellcheck and insert a picture but no colour or font selection and no linky thingy.

2. my allergies are acting up

3. i'm squishy in the middle parts and need to do some sit ups

4. is oprah as good a human as i think she is?

5. how long is too long when it comes to waiting in between waxes? seriously, if you wait longer then more hairs are likely to be removed and the better the effect after, but if you wait to long you look like a yeti. i suppose this is about a women's right to choose...sometimes yeti-ish creatures are cute, like the abominable snowman in rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

6. i still really really like coffee

peace out
casper

doing damage

2006-08-30T07:12:00.000-07:00

what woudl kylie do? started out as a lighthearted blog about my desire to improve the shape of my ass but things have taken a turn to the dark side. not only am i preoccupied with the shape of my body but everything that goes into it--and its getting ugly.

i guess you can't spend this kind of time contemplating your figure without driving yourself bat-shit crazy. lindsay lohan crazy.

all in all an interesting experiment, non?

it's getting sketchy

2006-08-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

on monday afternoon i went to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine for monday dinner with la ladies. i walked in, sunglasses on, and prowled the aisles looking for something interesting. i found myself in the back of the store staring at bottles of blue nun and black tower and thought "i didn't even know they still made these". i continued my prowl.

after about 5 minutes of walking through my very small lcbo i realized that i don't know enough about wine to identify what one would qualify as 'interesting'. and then i started feeling guilty for being in the liquor store at 11am on a school day. and then is started feeling weird because i hadn't taken my sunglasses off (prescription) and realized i must look like some deranged house wife who has come to pick up her daily fix. i then felt really embarassed.

i picked up two lovely bottles of pino grigio, you know the blue bottle with the bug on the label? those...i got outside all flustered, worried my neighbours might see me and call children's aid and seize my kids and send them to a foster home where the foster parents are evil and keep the kids in cages and it's ALL MY FAULT because i bought wine in the afternoon. i dropped one of the blue bottles on the sidewalk--pretty blue glass everywhere. and then i reminded myself...i don't have kids.

denim as girdle?

2006-08-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

my jeans are tight today...i know, i know, it's an old song. but they are tight. on the upside, the tightness seems to be reigning in my wandering thighs. there is no sad zip-zop sound of my legs rubbing together when i walk because the jeans are acting as a girdle--holding everything in.

i am glad to say i have no muffin top.

cold comfort

2006-08-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

it is too hot for everything. too hot for strenuous excercise...tho, true to kylie 2:electric boogaloo i did go running on monday morning but not since. too hot for sex. sorry, but there it is. i don't have air conditioning so my activities are seriously limited. if there was sex without touching, which one could argue is dancing, i would do it...the sex without touching part, not the dancing--too hot.

today i went to the public library across the street to try and get some writing done but i found it so relaxing, sitting in the green bean bag chair with my computer on my lap, cool air blowing up my back from the fabulous A/C, that i started to doze. i woke up with the library security guard nudging me with his foot and wagging his head at me. sure, random dudes can walk in off the street and surf porn on the public computers but nodding off is just going to far. now i'm home again just sweating in my underpants making this entry.

when i'm stressed about writing, about being creative i tend to watch the same movies over and over again...just play them for comfort in the backgroun while i stare at the screen of my laptop. i am going to watch Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in a moment. it calms me. then, i will watch the other three movies...in sequence. i bet that friggin' castle is air conditioned. or at least drafty.

ttc and monty python's flying circus collaborate to frustrate riders

2006-07-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

waiting...waiting...waiting at Queen East and Carlaw for a Victoria Park streetcar...the one that goes up Kingston Road to Vic Park--where me mortgage waits to be signed (arrr matey). I wait some more. 25 minutes later i ask a Neville Park driver "yo, what up?". he says, very nicely, get on and i will take you up to Kingston Road...maybe you can catch a car there". oh happy thought--maybe i can catch a street car.
at kingston road i wait. i wait some more. i wait with a gathering crowd. i call ttc--you know the number 393 INFO. i listen to the message. no disruption of service for the vic park car. fine. i press "0". i listen to more "better way" propoganda. i press "o" again. a young woman answer's the phone saying that she is here to help. oh happy day.
"hi" i say, very nicely. "i've been waiting for a Vic Park car for over 35 minutes now. your recorded message doesn't mention any problems...what's up?".
"i can't help you here" she says, "let me transfer you to information about routes" i get transferred. I tell my short tale of woe to a woman in "information".
"i can't help you here, let me transfer you to the people in information who know where the street cars actually are (as opposed to say, where they are supposed to be?)". I start "but isn't that who i'm already speaking t--" transferred again. a girl. i start my story...
"i just spoke to you" she says, snottily.
"well i got sent back to you" i say, still kindly.
she says "i don't know personally of anything that's wrong, i can't help you. you need to talk to customer service (do I!)"...and she transfers me to customer service where a very perky young man tells me he can't help me at all. and transfers me somewhere else...where you ask?
"i've already talked to you--twice" she says before i've even got two words out. "you have to talk to customer service"...and i'm shot off into the ether again. back to customer service. where it rings and rings and rings. no one wants to talk to me. after 20 rings, i hang up.

derek's dad is a little bit evil

2006-07-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

true story: derek's dad had derek and i convinced that david carradine's lawyer had called him (d's dad) and wants to have a few words with us about my blog. when i got the call from derek about ammending my blog i was at the bank applying for a mortgage. the loan lady said "what's wrong?" i said "i'm about to be sued by david carradine" i said, lifting my hands into the choppy chops kung fu hand sign "do you think this will affect my eligibility for a mortgage?". she smiled politely pulling together all of her papers and pulled away from her desk. she said "i'll get back to you".

mr. shapton pulled a funny. he's a bad bad man. i told derek i might kick him in the shins next time i see him.

it's hard to get in shape when you really don't want to

2006-07-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

i like being unemployed. sorta. i like my couch. and alias dvds. and sleep. and my cat. kylie's ass no longer holds sway and i move to the dark side.

i'm all bloat-y

2006-07-19T09:06:00.000-07:00

the pie-eyed roary gilmore once reemed out her ex's current girl for using the word "bloaty" but i have to say...today i understand bloaty. kylie be damned i'm retaining water like the Hoover Dam.

also, in my state of PMS, i am perusing a fashion mag that landed on my desk and the fall fashions, as stated by Flare, are horrendous for short upside down triangle-shaped people. oh yeah, sign me up for skinny jeans and heavy school-girl plaid jacket...maybe with some bulky shoulder pads--that would be so frikkin' hot! why don't i just wear flat shoes and get myself a page boy hair cut while i'm transgendering to fat short boy from Ennismore. What in the name of all that is slimming is happening!!

unemployment update
turns out i'm not so good at the not going to work (she says from her old desk at the office she left two weeks ago but has come in to do some freelance work on site) because she (that's me) is not entirely too sure about what to do with herself at home.

derek shapton said so

2006-07-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

dear readers (all two of you)...sorry about the delay in the posting but i have been out of town and out and about. i went up to georgian bay where the water is clear and really frikkin' cold to go swimming with a dog named rocky. anyhoo upon returning i found mail from various sorts saying "what's up with the lack of posting?" so here i go. i also got one complaint that i never talk about my friend derek shapton. derek, this one is for you...

*this is fiction*
i was at the movies last night with C-man, derek shapton, his lover and partner KS (i have no permission here to use real names, except for his) and their friend M. we saw a movie and then went to the roof of the park plaza for a drink, which was very cool--and david caradine was there; you know Kung Fu, and Kung Fu the legend, and of course Bill from Kill Bill. Anyhoodle Mr. Carradine was in a jocular mood and when passing by our table picked up Derek Shapton and challenged him to a kung fu off. Shapton gamely accepted. The first few minutes they just circled each other, sizing each other up and occasionally exchanging the stink eye. Carradine, at one point in the dance said to derek "when i'm done with you tin man, i'm taking your woman". KS took a sip of her mojito. We talked briefly about how much she likes Toronto and and wondered where Carradine's main residence is situated. Derek Shapton, enraged, flew through the air like a squirrel reaching for a hydro line, landing squarely on David Carradine's chest--where he sat. to catch his breath. and think abou this next move. i ordered another manhattan and waited...

Derek Shapton sat atop David Carradine where they continued their deep and penetrating gaze into one another's eyes. and then David Carradine nodded to Derek Shapton, accepting that the young and fiery photographer-about-town would not willingly be getting off his chest. In the end, david carradine embraced derek shapton and whispered in his ear "you are my kind of man" and then he left.

*this is not fiction*
on his way past our table, David Carradine gave C-man a light punch in the shoulder and exited the bar.

today, well tomorrow, is the first day of the rest of my life

2006-07-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

or will be after i file my expense report for the last two months, file my benefits claim, complete the performance review of my two favourite employees, meet with the designers for the pitch on our new logo, email the communications strategy to our new VP of whatever THEN I will kiss my boss hard on the mouth, run through the office wearing nothing but my puma's and and ankle socks out on to queen street east where i will hail a cab to take me home. i hope the cab doesn't have leather seats...sigh...

yes, today is the last day of my employment (insert Sinead "oh oh oh" here). and i am happy. manic happy which tells me i'm also totally freaked out. but it will be fine - this i mutter under my breath all the day long.

and then tomorrow will start and we will see how that goes.

kylie-watch 2006
also on friday or maybe next week Kylie 2: Electric Boogaloo will begin. i'm less worried about my ass at this very moment, because i can't see it. what is disturbing is my wee little pot belly. and i'm jiggly. so part of kylie 2 will be the de-jigglefication of me. is there a way to measure that?

kylie deadline fast approaches

2006-06-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

i am but two days away from the kylie deadline and while you couldn't bounce a quarter off my ass--it's not so bad. today i got dressed and put on some old jeans and they fit. so it's not like i've expanded, spreaded like the proverbial cookie on a cookie sheet, as i previously feared. i suspect things are more or less exactly where i left them 6 months ago. well, i'm a little heavier in the thigh area...it's like some of my bum and hips slid down a few inches. the fabric of my clothes strains ever so in the thigh area. even now, the previously aforementioned blue jeans groan a little bit as a slouch at my desk.

but now that i'm about to be unemployed, i can spend more time on ass detail. i have to revise my plan. oprah says i have to work out 8 times a week and i'm just gonna say now...i don't fucking think so. even if i had NOTHING to do. but i will let you know when i have a new plan...you Whistler--what you think?

okay, gotta go to my shrinks:)

done and done

2006-06-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

gave my notice today. my actual notice. and got myself a little freelance writing work to boot--so la ti da! yup, it's done. i quit. i feel elated and a little nauseous. i think my last day is next friday. i think i'm going to pee my pants. oh dear.

on a kylie note
i've totally blown my kylie plan. BUT my friend J in whistler is interested in Kylie Two: Electric Boogaloo. i will keep y'all posted when a plan is hatched.

i want, i want, i want

2006-06-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

to look like nicole kidman
to buy a house
to have straight teeth
to own a magical pony for, you know, whatever joy a magical pony can provide

Brazil 1 - Ghana 0

solstice on a wednesday, seriously?

2006-06-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

yes the summer solstice has arrived and i'm digging it. but why, oh why, does it have to fall on a wednesday...of all the days of the week we have to make wednesday extra long. cripes! yes, i understand calendars, yes i know it's not a moveable feast--but wednesday, seriously?

peace is coming
i wish this was a more global statement but sadly it only applies to me. i was out for my morning run (do you like how i say it like i do it everyday--don't be fooled i too stay in bed late for extra cat love or regular human love--did that come out right?). anyway...out for my morning run and i felt a lot of my chipmunk manic anxiety energy come down a few notches and i thought to myself..."self, you can work from now until the end of time. you can save more money so when you take your six months off you can hire little men dressed as egyptian slaves to carry you around the danforth on a barge-type-thing while you dress-up like Cleofuckingpatra, but baby it don't matter if you don't actually TAKE THE TIME OFF". it was calming. i am going to take time off. i am going to write. and nap--a lot. i am going to do new things.

the art of redirection

2006-06-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

i'd like to start today's post with an excerpt from kid n' play and salt n' peppa's duet (quartet?), it goes: "yo ladies, all the ladies...louder now, help me out--let's talk about sex". Ohh i can see the C-man getting ready to blush, but relax baby this is not a blog about our ongoing forays into drunken, pro-wrestling style sexcapades - no baby, that's private.

the sex i'm talking about is everybody else's...if you're a single gal or a married gal thinking it's time to trade-up (i joke people, i joke) and want to know where all the rich dudes looking for hot trophy wives hang out and hook up check out the most recent entry on a little blog that i've come to love called puma thursdays--Now I'm not saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke...

redistribution of weight

2006-06-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

So here is what is happening at work today:
World Cup: Togo vs. Switzerland, the score is currently 0/1 for Switzerland. I mean, i'm very busy and it is all very stressful and i don't know how i am going to manage. (oh, swiss just rejected at the net). Go Togo, it's your birthday. What do a bunch of peace-loving chocolatiers know about soccer? i hope Togo crushes their molten chocolate hearts, just like the centre of a Lindt chocolate.

I digress. Work, it's very stressfull.

I've been living in a hotel for the last two weeks and i feel huge. i have a rounded out little tummy. the scale supports my assertion of weight gain. and i can't even think about what's going on behind me. i'm afraid to look at my ass. here's the thing...my clothes still fit but there is more of me...so how the hell does that work? my litmus test for weight is a pair of cream dress pants that i bought at the height of skinny-dom...and they fit. but i'm not the same shape. it's like everything has just shuffled around--like recombined DNA...it's all there, just in the wrong order and that usually doesn't result in good things. it's like that scene at the beginning of Something Wicked This Way Comes...right before the circus train arrives in town.

my favourite jeans are on hiatus

2006-06-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

you know when guys (some guys) wear really tight jeans and the jeans begin to form and fade around bits that stick out, you know the fabric gets all soft and linen-y and fades out in the same shape of the protrustion...like say a pack of cigarettes or a wallet in the back pocket, or um...say a scrotum.

anyhoodle...my favourite jeans (and by far the smallest size i own) have been moved to the back of my closet. why? because the front pockets show through the denim in the above mentioned fade pattern. how do the pockets show through? it would seem that the girth of my legs is pushing the poor pocket seams up against the denim with such great pressure that i am wearing the denim out from the inside out! i didn't even know it was possible. so there you go. i need to go buy some fat jeans.

speaking of funky denim...last night coming home on the subway i noticed a girl walking in front of me, petite figure, hideous jeans with weird appliques stuck to her ass and legs - but that is not what caught my attention. oh no. it was her weird walk. like she was trying to lift one leg higher than the other and swing it around. i thought, maybe she's just got a funky walk or a muscular disorder or something. but again no, i say, dear reader she had the back-camel-toe. her jeans were so tight and so far up her cracks (yes, that's cracks plural) that she was literally trying to heave her leg over the heavy denim seam that was cleaving her 'bean' in two. the back-camel-toe is rare and seldom seen.

and...another young woman of more robust proportions was wearing a pair of jeans that were so hideously tight that they pulled up so tight across her hips creating that unmistakeable 'v' (or the ancient symbol for the womb as dan brown would have it). But it gets better, the jeans are adorned with one of those built in wide waistbands that doubles as a snap belt. are you with me? so picture it, a wide waistband creating the horizontal line at the top, then starting at her crotch, two hard creases of denim running up on an angle to the waistband. she looked like she was wearing a denim cod piece. word up Cameo.

decision maker

2006-05-31T06:52:00.000-07:00

as many of you know, i struggle with decisions. it's hard for me to choose. i am a libra after all. however, i think i have found the solution to my problems and if any of you should be going overseas in the very near future can you pick me up on of these babies. god i love japan they are always making things easier.

hot body wax

2006-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

this is the quintessential girly dilemma...you have the best waxer in the city minding your collar and cuffs, grooming and maintaining your bikini line like a gardener at Versailles when whamo! the whole operation closes down and the lady with the wax is without a home.

then, we're forced to go and get waxed, merely waxed, not the artistry of the above-mentioned goddess who, one could compare her deft hand to a kitten licking on a stamp (can i get a hallelujah) - oh no my friends we are thrown into the power of a motley crew who would sooner (and quicker) leave you naked as a j-bird, bare as a coffee bean, with no more than a 'by your leave' than actually maintain the frikkin' air strip styles you have been sporting for ages.

then the goddess returns. a hopeful phone call with a salon name and phone number. you call it hoping to book soon. your air strip is all but a runway in some columbian field for druglords. alas, in a blurry underwater voice you hear "this is Franco, i'm not in right now..."

what kind of topsy turvy world are we living in, i ask you.

early morning jiggles

2006-05-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

in a startling change of my usual morning ritual (shut off alarm, whimper, cry a little bit, beg for C to make breakfast followed by a whipping off of the covers while saying very bad words and going to the shower still saying very very bad words) I got up and went running. SHUT UP! I did so. I met up with two very lovely ladies by the names of M and L and we ran for 4K.

it's all hot and soppy wet outside, even at 6:30AM but i ran. and i felt new love and understanding for the kylie plan, the regime, that i started out lo' almost six months ago. i was right all along - it is a good idea and now all my bonbon eating, 24 'i love you kiefer' catatonia is catching up with me. now i have to cram all my fitness and ass-lifting into the next four weeks to meet my July 1 deadline., she says while eating and apple spelt SPELT! muffin. good gawd.

also, on my run, i could feel my bum bouncing up and down--more than my boobs. that ain't good.

ttc strike is good for my ego

2006-05-29T07:36:00.000-07:00

i'm walking to work today, the way i usually do, except it's stinky hot outside and i can feel my panties sticking to my butt right where the globe of my cheeks hangs down a bit..oh yes, there is hang-age! and there is sweat on the backs of my knees...no my ass doesn't hang down that far! and i see this guy waiting at a streetcar stop. i take out my earbuds and say
"you're not waiting for a streetcar, are you?"
"uh yeah" he says.
"there's no service today. strike" i say.
"fuck"
"yeah" i say. and then i start walking and he starts walking beside me.
"so you're walking" he says.
"yup." i say.
"do you wanna-" he stops, then starts "do you wanna--?"... i look at him, do i wanna what?
"are you going south?" he asks.
"yes" i say.
"ummm...okay, well maybe...well, errr, i have to go this way" he says, pointing west down dundas.
"good luck" i say.
"nice to meet you" he says, from under his flop of hair. what a nice boy. not my usual morning conversation with the gypsies, tramps and thieves that line my route to work.

so that's new.

temper, temper

2006-05-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Like the rest of the world i'm fully inundated with all things DaVinci Code right now. Sure, it's a hateful place for god-fearing christians everywhere; a world filled with a scruffy Tom H sans curls (no doubt the mark of the devil) and Audrey T with her big empty eyes (and no ass to speak of, surely the work of the Evil One) and the happy, dulcet tones of Sir Ian (big, big gay dreamboat that he is - dude is SO going to hell)--the poor, poor church, how will they ever recover?

It must be a very taxing time indeed for the church. They really need to devote more resources, more energy to debunking a work of fiction. They have got to tackle this book, this movie, this ephemera head on. Everything else like the ongoing crisis of pedophile priests, abuses in aboriginal schools, war, and genocide need to go on the backburner for now. The fate of the church rests on this one piece of pop culture. A fictional account of what an alternative interpretation of the life of jesus christ might look like, much like, say, an alternative understanding of the shape of the earth, round vs. flat, or the solar-system, or gravity, or looking inside an atom, or mapping dna.

At least the pope has his billions of dollars and gold and secret prophecies (hello, fatima) to keep him warm at night. I'm sure that's a comfort. This must be very hard on them...i can only imagine, especially with their delicate relationship with the world of fact.

it's so terrible i'm thinking about ending it all. but that would be a sin. and i'm sure if i kill myself the first person i'm going to see is Charlton Heston--and that would suck. so best i hang on for a while longer...perhaps until Heston is well and truly dead (not just the walking dead) and his dead gun-toting hands are at rest, and his crazy-ass teeth have been stolen by some celebrity grave robber and now reside under a bell jar resting on someone's coffee table.

10 things i hate about commandments

2006-05-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

y'all know about my love for all things charleton heston, ole wooden teeth, i like to call him. anyway, check out the vid from back in the day...it's a classic.

protestant work ethic is fucking up my life

2006-05-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

i'm having a dilemma. i'm scheduled to take six months off from work at the end of June. sounds good, right? in the fall and winter i'm planning on going on a trip with C-man. and it's gonna cost. and i'm kinda tempted to stay at my job for another couple of months to keep making money so i have more money when i'm on my trip. it sounds reasonable right? but the thing i don't know is...is this just another form of procrastination, putting off taking time off or is this really the sensible thing to do? i don't know. i'm worried.

also, i gained five pounds while i was away last week. no excuses. i ate. and i spent 95% of my day in my pajamas or my robe, or a combination of pajama and robe. stop the insanity? where is susan powder? powter? what the hell was that ladies name?